Honesty is a tough thing. And I admit I am not one of the most honest people in this world. Sometimes I lie to others. Most times I lie to myself. But I am trying to beat that.
There’s the belief we have as human beings that we are good and constantly aware of self. But I doubt we really are. We may appear successful, committed, determined, proud and self aware. But deep within us we are lonely, full of fear and kind of lost. I should speak for myself. Growing up has made me feel alone, and more-so lost.
For many months I have been toying with numerous ideas of many things I want to do. Oh I could list stuff here forever. The funny thing about these things I want to do is that they aren’t hard. All the require is some resources (money), some patience and a lot of courage. But again I am full of fear.
Technology should do something creepy one day and bring forth a fear scanner. I think humans will then be free-r and true-r with one another. You’ll see all the insecurities people harbour behind nice looks, amazing Instagram posts, beautiful smiles, unmatched pride, fame and even arrogance.
Existence blessed me immensely with all the phobias imaginable. Some are funny. Some are crazy. Some are normal. But I don’t want them anymore. Life is a journey, and since I want mine to be long and smooth, I better start off-loading. Strip away the fear of being judged. Strip away the fear of failure. Strip away the fear of not being good enough. And live a lighter life. Walk with a less heavier luggage.
Living is a burden. But only because of the pressures we put on ourselves in a bid to try and be worthy for the pleasure and amazement of others. The same others who are also working tirelessly to be deemed of value by others. A cycle that goes on.
I realised that the time I am most satisfied with self, is when I accomplish an idea, in essence being able to transform a dream from my mind into a tangible product existing in the real world. I also realised that fear holds me back. It holds me back not just from accomplishing these dreams, but also in the long run from even daring to dream. And that’s why over the course of time we become cabbages. It is the word I could think of.
There was a time you had numerous ideas and your brain could think of endless possibilities. Nowadays you don’t have that many ideas. Your brain can’t think of so much more than living, and making money to sustain your livelihood. Fear reduced you. Fear made you normal.
I feared writing about myself. I still do. And, like most fears, there’s no explainable rationale why. It isn’t like I would be divulging too much information anyway. And this fear controlled me. It killed certain stories. It brought me down in many ways. But I am facing this hurdle as a way of motivating myself to face my other monsters, greater fears. So that I can stand up and accomplish my dreams. So that I cannot be forced, one day, into killing my dreams, losing hope. And you know they say “Hope is a beautiful thing.”
I wrote this some minutes ago and then remembered a post on Fear that I wrote back in December 2015, so you might want to complement this post with that other one.