You know there are things in this world you cannot run away from. No matter how hard you try. It is probably the reason you cannot sleep and its 3AM. It could be the reason your head aches every day, weird dreams.
My legs ache. They ache as if I have walked a long distance. They ache even in the morning when I wake up from a long night rest. And I know why they ache. It is the same reason my head hurts and my thoughts are skewed.
I have been away for so long my friend. I have not done this in months. I haven’t felt this release in ages. And my friend, you know I have these pains in my head. These torments and hurts. These questions without answers. These losses and loves. These dreams, nightmares.
I don’t know what happened. It wasn’t a block. It was loss, and hurt. It was giving up. It was forgetting, bliss. Or maybe excuses.
But none of these just happened. It wasn’t me who willed them to happen. You’ve never been at a point in life, my friend, where giving up and not giving up are the same. Because you have no choice. You’ve never reached a point, dear me, where there’s no line between forgetting and remembering. Where everything is one and there’s no difference.
I crossed that line.
I have believed often, as the world does, that there’s only a limit as to how much we can handle. But that’s a fallacy, I tell you. We humans, can handle anything. There’s no limit. As long as something is there for us to face, we’ll face it. And crossing such lines gives you nothing in the end, but resolve.
You see we do very many things in our lives. We wake up, we pray, we eat, we share, we read, we care, we love, we visit. But very few times do we realise or have a purpose as to why we do these things. Very often we do stuff because it is the way of life, or because it is something that ought to be done.
When someday something happens, and believe you me it will, that marks the point of you crossing this line where there’s no difference between happening and not happening, and forgetting and remembering, you will be left with nothing. And in the emptiness, in the pain, in the sadness you will have nothing else to live for, no dream, no mountain to climb, no successes to chase. This is where you’ll find resolve. Here you’ll knit for yourself the clothes of desire, determination, want.
It has been long. I’m thinking of silent whispers and a sandy beach. Water rising to the skies. Beautiful symphonies and endless beauty.
I will write more.