I won’t call myself the best in anything.

And that’s my peace.

It is funny. But hear me out.

My greatest fear for some time now hasn’t been the sight of blood or a snake or even failure. And I bloody hell fear failure, so this means a lot. My greatest fear is something simple right now: being so good at one thing and having this one thing become my biggest accomplishment in life. Damn!

I don’t want that. No.

First of all I don’t really have one thing I am sure I can love doing for the rest of my life. Well apart from living, indulging in good stories, loving and changing lives. Though not ‘one thing’, that’s it. That is all I can ever answer when someone asks me what I want to do with my life.

What do you want to do with your life?

“I don’t want much,” I’d like to say. But that’s not true. First of all what is much? And what is little? Where do you draw the line? Much for me mightn’t exactly be much for you.

This fear I have is eating me up slowly. Not in a bad way. Eating me up sounds bad. This fear is making me think. Making me stay up. Sometimes I stop in the middle of writing a sentence and gaze into the air wondering if this is all I’ll ever amount to; writing tech reviews. Not that it is a bad thing. No. It is good. And refreshing. And honestly I can’t do without it. Not just for the revenue aspect, but also for myself. Like therapy. If I don’t post something there I’ll probably die, I believe. My head aches when I fail.

But is this all?

Let me tell you what I mean. You’ve probably heard of the cycle of human foolishness. I don’t remember the exact title of this cycle. But foolishness will do. They cycle is like this:

Grow up. Go to school. Finish education. Get shocked by the lack of education and waste of time. Get some trainings. Get a job. Get a life/family. Mortgage for a house. Loans. Blah blah.

I don’t want that. Do you want that?

And that’s what I am thinking here. I’m not in the cycle. Well I’ll never be in the cycle. I discovered the cycle in first year and was like, I need to do something. And true to my plans, I’m fighting hard to escape that cycle. But it is like life itself is clouded by this mysterious fog that engulfs all our plans and then draws us in on to this cycle.

Am I being drawn into this cycle?

A cycle that forces me to be a robot; to be so good in one thing and one thing alone?

I don’t want that.

You tell me. You want to be subjected to one thing? Even if it makes you all the money you need and much more, is that everything you want to do in your whole life?

Everybody loves saying money isn’t everything. Very few live lives that prove that. Yet again this isn’t about money.

This is about not being everything you can ever be because you’ve subjected yourself to be one thing. And I doubt I can call that a life worth living. Is it?

I fear.

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